


Mystery, Mushrooms, and Murder, Oh My!

by SkyWrites



Series: Detective Luigi and the New Donk City Mysteries [4]
Category: Mario Story | Paper Mario, Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door, Super Mario & Related Fandoms, Super Mario 3D World
Genre: Action/Adventure, Comedy, Crime, Excess Express, F/F, Gen, Murder Mystery, Mystery, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-19
Updated: 2021-03-19
Packaged: 2021-03-27 21:01:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 15,265
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30128775
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SkyWrites/pseuds/SkyWrites
Summary: Toadette and Goombella, the mystery solving, head-bonking duo of New Donk City decide to go on a relaxing date to Excess Express Cuisine! At this train themed restaurant, these two will meet a cast of strange characters, weird foods, and confront their feelings for each other!And if that's not enough, it looks like there's been a murder on top of it all.It's up to them to solve this mystery!
Relationships: Kinopiko | Toadette & Kurisuchīnu | Goombella, Toadette/Goombella
Series: Detective Luigi and the New Donk City Mysteries [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1330814
Comments: 8
Kudos: 4





	1. Dinner Date on the Excess Express

**Author's Note:**

> This story will focus very heavily on Paper Mario 64 and Thousand Year Door!
> 
> There will be some references to other Mario games and other fics in my New Donk City universe, but they'll be minor and won't spoil anything. This story should be perfectly able to stand on its own and be understandable to everyone!
> 
> Thank you for reading!

New Donk City hissed with its usual busy bustle.

Rain slithered through gutters, gurgled across the bright neon lights, and buried into every crack in the pavement it could find. Karts of all shapes and sizes dashed through the slick streets without a care. Koopas, Toads, Goombas, Piantas, and every ‘enemy’ you could imagine strolled on the sidewalks together.

Toadette inhaled hot humid air as she walked, her pink speckled umbrella overhead. _Enemies…_

As a Toad, she’d been raised to think that pretty much everyone that wasn’t a Toad was a bad guy or an enemy. Except maybe the occasional Pianta or Luma or whatever. As she grew up, she realized more and more how awful that kind of thinking was. It didn’t even occur to her what kind of words she was using until she’d embarrassed herself a long time ago over in Rogueport. It was her first time out in a world that wasn’t full of Toads.

...

“Wow! Is that a crew of just enemies?” Toadette asked as she looked over the docks. She remembered clearly how she was so very excited to see a different place. It didn’t even occur to her what she said.

The Goomba she had been chatting with side-eyed her. “What’dya mean? Those Bob-omb sailors?”

Toadette nodded. Her present self would have been self-aware enough to know when to shut up and take a hint, but young Toadette was so wide-eyed and innocent. “Yeah! You know, bad guys? Koopas and Goombas, like you!”

That Goomba was rightfully furious. “I ain’t a bad guy, you terrible Toad! I work my butt off for my family every day on these docks just for you stupid mushroom heads to call me trash?!”

“I, um, wait, I didn’t mean it like that! I just, um, well, you all work for Bowser I thought and…”

“I’ve never worked for Bowser a day in my life! Why do you outside Toads always treat us like this, huh?! Why do you think we tried to get away from you? Yet here you all are, still following us, still humiliating us in our own home!”

...

Toadette didn’t remember much else back then. Just how she apologized as much as she could and how she spent the next couple of days crying and feeling ashamed of herself. She couldn’t imagine crying that much over such a little thing anymore, couldn’t imagine saying such blatantly stupid things like that, but still… Every so often she caught herself making the same mistake in her thoughts.

But she wouldn’t let it get her down. If she kept trying, kept improving, kept challenging herself, she’d be able to move forward. Not many of her fellow Toads thought that way it seemed, and she resented them for it. After all, they were the ones who ignored anyone else that wasn’t a Toad and lived in their own little worlds.

She slipped on a metal sewer grate and bumped into a red Koopa’s shell. Red Koopas were never ones who liked to lose their balance. He yelled some obscenities at her, but she apologized and shrugged it off. That was the New Donk way. It was weird if someone _wasn’t_ screaming their head off every other street corner.

Thinking of Koopas, there was a running theory between Toads about Bowser and the seemingly endless rain in New Donk City…

Some say it’s Bowser’s fault it's always raining. The few times he’s ever been known to leave the city were the times it actually stopped raining. But that’s just crazy Toad talk, right? It’s not like an oversized turtle could control the weather! And, well, even if it was his presence that made it rain, it wouldn’t be right to kick him out just because of that! He _should_ be kicked out for a million other crimes he’s committed (but didn’t get convicted for), but not just because he makes it rain.

It’s a ‘bad guy’ thing isn’t it? Turning the weather dark and rainy and cloudy to fit their ‘evil’ ways...

Toadette shook her head, nearly slapping a Shy Guy with her mushroom braid as she walked absentmindedly.

If rain was meant to signify evil and bad, well, maybe evil wasn’t so bad! That just wasn’t fair! To think that just because someone was born as something different than her it meant they were bad from the start! No! She wouldn’t accept that; she _couldn’t_ accept it!

Besides! Dark clouds and rain… these things aren’t inherently bad! Rain is necessary to survive! Why is it always treated like some sort of evil dramatic thing? It’s stupid! Things aren’t just black and white! Things aren’t just ‘good guy’ or ‘bad guy!’

Toadette’s inner monologue came to a rather physical conclusion as she walked into something soft, squishy, and familiar.

“Heeey, girl!” a cheery voice greeted, quite different from the gruff obscenities that Toadette expected. “You lost in thought again, huh?”

And there she was, the girl that challenged everything that Toadette had ever believed.

“Goombella! Sorry for walking into you again.” Toadette wrapped her arms around Goombella’s squishy head, feeling soft blonde hair.

Goombella giggled sheepishly. Her cheeks warmed up, even in the rain. “Aw, girl, that’s my job! I should be walking into you, y’know?” She grinned. “You’d never take damage from me, though.”

Toadette’s gloomy feelings washed away like rain in a gutter. Goombella was her best friend! They’d known each other for more than a few years, having been partners in the N.D.P.D. (New Donk Police Department.) Toadette was no longer in the policing business for a lot of reasons, the main one being she just didn’t trust in them or believe in them anymore. (It was mostly Toads in charge.)

But that was why Goombella felt so special. There were so few coppers that Toadette could respect. So few, in fact, that it was probably just Goombella. Goombella tried hard to change things, to do the right thing! And from what Toadette understood, she was really making some progress.

Goombella was a captain now! Just like Toadette used to be. However, even this raised some issues. Goombella was of the mind that the only reason she got promoted to captain was because Toadette put in a good word. Again, it felt like she only got where she was because of a Toad. It was frustrating for them to say the least.

Ugh! Toadette shook off those thoughts. Police memories, smolice memories, she didn’t want to focus on that. That was behind her now. The point was she was here with her best friend on a Valentina’s Day date!

“Hah, ‘date’,” Goombella giggled and walked closely in step with Toadette under her umbrella. It wasn’t like a Goomba could carry an umbrella very easily. “That’s just so funny, y’know? Like, can you imagine? Us? Dating? So weird!”

Toadette couldn’t help but laugh along with Goombella. It came so easily when they were together. “I actually think I can imagine it.”

Goombella nearly tripped over the pavement and tried to look away. “H-huh? Really? I mean, like, I totally could too, y’know? But, like, uh, hello? A Toad and Goomba? That’d, like, be too weird, right?”

Toadette smiled. Goombella got flustered so easily. “I guess it would be, but I don’t mind.”

“Pssh, like y’know, uh,” Goombella was now just tripping over her own words, going over the usual few she loved repeating so much. Her mannerisms really grew on Toadette! She couldn’t help but mimic Goombella’s excitable way of talking.

Some people hear a girl talk like that and treat her like she’s an idiot, but Toadette knew better than anyone how brilliant Goombella was. She went to Goom U. after all! She dropped out, but she had her reasons! It didn’t mean she was stupid!

“Hey, so,” Toadette started, trying to break Goombella out of her nervous ‘y’knows’ with some conversation. “Tell me why you invited me out on a date for Valentina’s day! It’s way after the actual date, you know?”

Goombella’s eyes lit up like flashlights shining on a thousand-year-old treasure. “Oh! Okay, so, like, do you know much about Valentina’s Day?”

Toadette shrugged. “Sooort of? It’s a day where people send weird lovey dovey letters to each other and eat chocolate or weird bad chalky candy. It’s not an official holiday, but everyone gets into it.”

Goombella nodded. “That’s the gist of it, but the history of it is fascinating and hilarious! Y’know how it’s a relatively new holiday, right?”

Toadette nodded, it seemed to just spring out of nowhere some years back.

“Well, do you know who Valentina is?”

Toadette wracked her brain, she tried hammering it with a power-up, tried shining a headlamp at it, but just couldn’t remember. “Sounds vaguely familiar…”

“Booster’s wife, from Booster’s Tower? Tried to take over Nimbus City once, failed miserably…”

“Oh, Booster! I know that guy! He’s a rich weirdo with a bunch of weird Snifits!”

“Yeah!” Goombella nodded again, practically hopping with each step. She _loved_ explaining things, she double-loved explaining about people she knew, and she knew _everyone_. She could tell you everything about someone from their taste in housing décor to their exact HP. “I’d go into explanation mode, but I’ll get side-tracked. Long story short, when Valentina got married, she _demanded_ it be made into a national holiday.”

“Huh. Really?” Toadette vaguely recalled this, but she was never one to search out gossip. She did love to hear it, especially from Goombella.

“ _Really.”_ Goombella was so excited to info-dump. “She tracked down Mayor Pauline, she harassed news journalists, she got her minion, Dodo, and Booster’s minions to literally shout in the streets how she was getting married and told them to remember this date!”

“She sounds crazy. A perfect fit for Booster.”

“I know, right???” Goombella let out a cute little hiccup and had to hold her breath before going on. “Anyway, after all that fuss, and _you can’t make this up,_ but Booster stood her up at the altar!”

“No way!! I kind of remember this now?? That was real?!”

“It was _so_ real, girl!! Valentina’s Day was meant to celebrate her marriage, but it just celebrates the day she got stood up!” Goombella could hardly contain her excitement. “They _actually_ got married like a few weeks later, after Booster ran away at the altar _two_ more times.”

Toadette was open-mouthed. “ _That’s_ why I keep seeing people celebrating Valentina’s Day so long after it actually happened?!”

Goombella was grinning so much, she couldn’t even hide her fangs. “Yep! It’s a bit of a New Donk City gag to celebrate Valentina’s Day late! She ended up getting what she wanted, but I doubt this is how she wanted it!”

“That’s _so_ funny!”

The two girls fell into step easily, walking through the crowded streets without a care in the world. People moved out of their way like they had Power Stars equipped. Maybe it was because Goombella was a known cop? Maybe it was because Toadette and Goombella were so striking and strange together? (They did catch a lot of eyes, but they were too busy chatting to care.)

Or maybe they and everyone else weren’t so different after all.

Maybe everyone from Doogans to Skipsqueaks to Bumpties thought the same thing about everyone else. In New Donk City, everyone mingled together, everyone was used to walking by everyone else. When you were here, you were just another face in the crowd. Sometimes it was alienating, sometimes it was comforting. It just depended on your perspective.

They talked about current events around the city like they usually did. It was mostly Goombella doing the gossiping, but Toadette loved to listen and be informed.

Like for example, did she know the Koopa Bros. didn’t work for Bowser anymore? They got fed up with how he treated them, said he wasn’t as ‘cool’ as he used to be and left to make their own gang! Then there was NDPD which was actually hiring people other than Toads thanks to Goombella’s persuasion. Oh, and then there was Mayor Pauline getting caught in a ‘scandal’ where she was found lip-syncing one of her songs in a performance! People were complaining that if they couldn’t trust her singing, how could they trust her capabilities as a leader?! Stupid reasoning, they should question her leadership for other reasons but that was beside the point…

Their destination neared, or, from their perspective, their destination seemed to come to them. Polished black iron, shinier than a Chain Chomp, stood tall over the short girls. This building was lined with gold along the windows and the doors. To call it excessive was an understatement, but the sign glimmered in golden neon: **Excess Express Cuisine**.

A semi-famous restaurant around New Donk City, mostly in part due to its gimmicky theme. The building was modeled after the Excess Express, a train that everyone in New Donk and Rogueport knew about but probably couldn’t afford to ride.

Atop the restaurant's roof sat a train-like smokebox, pipe pumping out steam and delicious cooking smoke. The actual Excess Express didn’t have a cliche smokebox (Goombella made sure to tell Toadette this) but it still looked really cute, so most patrons didn’t complain unless they were a weird train nut.

Also, unlike the actual Excess Express, the restaurant version was _mildly_ affordable. It was clearly a ritzy establishment and was meant to attract the worst kind of rich people, but its owner was never someone who understood business very well, mainly because he didn’t feel the need to overcharge or turn people away. Anyone who was ‘bad’ at business and still ran one must have had at least some redeeming qualities in Toadette’s book.

“Thanks for walking here with me,” Goombella said, staring at the gold wheels at the entrance. They turned slowly, perpetually, forever, never quite getting to their destination. Or maybe they were always right where they wanted to be. “I know you usually like driving around like a maniac, but this walk did me some good, y’know?”

Toadette giggled. “I know what you mean. It’s good to stretch our legs sometimes. Or well, I guess in our case feet, since we don’t have legs.” 

She paused. This was a weird thing to think about.

Toadette cleared her throat and her head. “I can’t believe you got us a reservation here!”

Goombella grinned. “It really wasn’t that hard, it’s not _that_ popular.” 

“But on _Valentina’s day!_ ”

“It’s not actually--” Goombella stared at Toadette’s cheeky smile. “Oh. You’re being sarcastic.”

“No! I would _never_.”

“Girl, you don’t wanna start a sarcasm battle with me, I’ll wipe the floor with you!” Goombella giggled. “Anyway, come on, let’s eat, I’m starving!”

However, even in simple situations like this, there was something about both Toadette and Goombella that always scurried through the dark part of their minds, tucked away where most couldn’t see it. Oftentimes those little adventurers in the dark would catch something glimmer out of the corner of their eyes.

Maybe it had to do with the fact one was an ex-copper and one was still a copper. Maybe it was that they both had archaeology built into them, one from treasure hunting adventures and one from both adventuring experience and an unfinished degree in it. It had everything to do with the fact that they were also New Donkians.

Anyone who stayed in New Donk City for long enough learned to keep their eyes peeled, to notice something just barely out of place. A sidewalk suspiciously empty next to an alleyway, a Shy Guy mask sitting next to a pipe with no Shy Guy around to wear it, or maybe just a particularly well-dressed Hammer Bro. that gave off the impression he didn’t get that well-dressed from good deeds.

If you didn’t see that, if you didn’t know what you were doing, you could end up turning a corner and falling down an endless pit, if you understand the meaning. Combine all that with Toadette and Goombella, two tough girls known for their crime busting, mystery solving, head-bonking personalities, it makes sense that something as simple as a can of paint could set them on edge.

“Hey,” Goombella whispered, standing on her tippy toes to reach where Toadette’s ear might be. “You see that?”

‘ _Hey_ ,’ was all Toadette needed to hear to grow suspicious. Her eyes quickly caught onto the can just outside the building’s vicinity. A small paint bucket with a brush dripping in deep blue. It was completely unattended, no worker Koopas near, no ladders around, nothing. Just an open can of paint. Toadette nodded to her partner.

“That’s weird, right?” Goombella said as they strolled into the restaurant.

“Very.” But one thing they had to remember: New Donk City was a weird place. Sometimes even the tell-tale signs of trouble were nothing but a New Donkian doing New Donkian things. The thing about a city filled with every type of person in the world is that just about everything you _could_ imagine _could_ happen.

Sometimes a giant rabbit strolled through the city with a great golden Chain Chomp. Sometimes that golden chomp would get a little angry because maybe it wasn’t wearing as many hats as it would like and then that little golden Chomp might go on a little golden rampage. So to stop that from happening, you’d need to pull your angry Chomp down into a pool, cool it down, wash it up, and maybe nab someone’s hat so your Chomp can be proud of its appearance.

Again. Absolutely weird. But not a crime (sort of). These things happened. Who knows what blue paint could mean? Maybe a Bandit was trying to spiff up one of his badges with a fresh new color, maybe a Yoshi was trying to look like his cool gang hero, Boshi?

Weird or not, these girls knew better than to shrug it off.

“Hello~~~☆!”

A powerful Toad girl greeted them at the door, strength emanating from the absolute cheer of her bright smile. She wore a frilly apron and hat to match. Her eyelashes could only be described as perfectly, maybe even nauseatingly, cute. But that wasn’t the worst part, no. Her mushroom cap wasn’t speckled like most Toads, instead it had one big red heart right on the center. Purple pigtails popped out of her pretty head, matching her pink shoes. Toadette might have been as pink as can be, but even she thought this girl was a little much.

She curtseyed. “Do you two have a reservation~? ☆”

Goombella seemed to be immune to her overly feminine charms, or maybe she was just used to it. “Hey, Triss, yeah we do. Under Goombella.”

Toadette rolled her eyes. Of course she knew this Toad.

The waitress’s mouth opened wide in what Toadette thought was way too much of an exaggerated expression. “Ohhh! ☆ Goombella! It’s you! I didn’t recognize you without your uniform on and your cute Toad friend! ☆”

Toadette fought the urge to curl her hands into fists. She couldn’t tell if this waitress was being snarky or not. Somehow being called cute felt like an insult. Toadette wasn’t anything like her! Although, erm, well, she supposed she wouldn’t mind it if she was cute.

“Yep, it’s me,” Goombella said with a sheepish smile, and was that a hint of a blush?! The waitress stared at them for a while with what appeared to be literal stars in her eyes. “Um, Triss?”

“Huh? Oh!” The waitress snapped back into reality, the sparkles in her eyes gone as if a demon was exorcised from her body. “Right, let me show you two lovely ladies to your table~! ☆”

 _Lovely ladies?_ Toadette only felt more confused. Part of it made her angry, but part of it also made her heart leap higher than even Luigi! If she and Goombella were lovely together then…

Toadette shook her head.

The first thing anyone would notice about the Excess Express Cuisine’s inside was that it played a cute yet simple tune from multiple train-like speakers on the wall. The song had an old record-like quality to it that Toadette appreciated. Rich people usually have bad taste, but Toadette (being the explorer she was) enjoyed the antique feel.

There were _plenty_ of colorful characters and high-class patrons here, and while they were certainly interesting (a strange snake couple stood out), Toadette would wait until she could ask Goombella about them before she started worrying about everyone here.

The carpet! It was so soft and so fun! It was checkered with a fun diamond pattern in a bright red and a subtle yellow! It reminded Toadette of a hotel. The walls matched the carpet, with little star patterns across it as well. Everything felt so… so comfy! The seats were plush, and the drapes were velvety soft! Even the lights on the walls let off such a dim yet soothing light, shaped vaguely like mushrooms! Toadette wanted to take a nap here.

Toadette gasped, like, actually gasped. Most tables sat against a window, but that wasn’t the amazing part. Each window gave a view of what appeared to be a moving background! Cute cardboard cutouts of mountains slowly drifted behind lazy paper clouds while fake cactuses seemed to zoom quickly by the windows. Bright blue skies, lit by stage lights, hit the background and perpetually gave this train-themed restaurant a bright aura of spirit, even at night!

She finally understood what all the fuss was about.

“Here’s your seats~! ☆” Triss said with a cute flourish that even a professional cheerleader couldn’t compete with. “I made sure to save you a spot in the corner just like you asked, Bella~! ☆”

Goombella flushed. Triss was cute and her nicknames would probably make a hardened killer feel warm and fuzzy inside. Or maybe it was because Goombella was always embarrassed to eat in public? Goombas were notoriously messy eaters, but who could blame them? Many did still, even if it was incredibly unfair. “Thanks, Triss.”

“No problem~! ☆ I’ll let you two decide what you want to eat before I come back, okay~? ☆” Triss curtseyed and almost began skipping away before Toadette stopped her.

“Hey, excuse me, uh, Miss Triss?” Toadette started awkwardly. She knew what she was going to ask next was going to sound weird, but she couldn’t put it out of her mind. “I have a question.”

“Sure~! ☆ What is it?”

Toadette gulped down her first question which was, _How do you keep doing that with your mouth? How are you saying_ _☆_ _?_

She shook her head and asked, “Are you guys renovating?” Goombella shot a glare across the table once she had gotten up on her Booster Seat for Adult Goombas. The glare was mixed in with gossipy interest like she had been wanting to ask it as well.

Triss tilted her head like a puppy, pigtails drooping like adorable puppy ears too. “Um~ No? I don’t think so? ☆” This apparently was a very confusing question for her. Nothing about Triss here seemed to be dishonest, least of all her reaction.

Toadette gave a trademark Toad smile that showed everyone she wasn’t a threat. “Ah, just wondering. Sorry about the dumb question.”

Triss giggled, a sound like tinkling bells, and said, “There’s no such thing as a question~! ☆” She then skipped away, humming to herself.

Toadette could not hide the confusion from her face.

Goombella sighed. “She probably meant ‘there’s no such thing as a dumb question.’ I love Triss, but she’s a bit of a space cadet.” She did the closest thing a Goomba can do to a shrug. “Guys always go for girls like that, don’t they? Why is that, Toadette?”

Toadette couldn’t help but give a cheeky grin. “Hm? Why do people like overly cutesy Toad girls who space out? Why don’t you tell me, _Bella~_?”

Goombella’s pink skin burned an even brighter red. “Omigosh, girl, you are _so_ bad!” But even at that tease, she still fell into a fit of laughter. It was nothing like Triss’ cute twinkling laugh. Goombella’s laugh was full of snorts and gasps as she practically tumbled out of her chair. Triss’ laugh had nothing on Goombella’s.

To Toadette’s frustration though, Goombella brushed that question aside. She was never one to admit anything about herself, no matter how desperately Toadette might have wanted to hear it.

“So, no renovations, huh?” Goombella said after she could finally catch her breath. “I’m still pretty sketched out by that blue paint too, but I don’t have a clue why. How about you?”

_She’d rather talk about a potential case than about her feelings. I guess I don’t blame her._

“It’s weird, don’t get me wrong,” Toadette started. “I didn’t see any building looking for a nice blue coat of paint around here, didn’t see any painters around in general.”

“Could just be kids trying some kinda obscure prank, y’know?”

“Could be. Or it could be more than a prank.”

Goombella nodded. “Totally. I’ll keep my eyes peeled, but let’s not let it ruin our ‘date’ ahaha, okay?”

Toadette couldn’t help but frown. Goombella had laughed every time she said date. Still, she’d keep her promise. She decided to play one of her favorite ‘games’ with Goombella whenever they went out anywhere. That game was…

“Okay, so, tattle on _everyone_ here, girl. Who are these people? Give me that good Goombella gossip!”

Goombella’s fang shone like a firework. “I was SO hoping you’d ask!”

First and foremost, a sleek couple slithered into view. It was impossible _not_ to see them. They wore matching crowns and regal capes, as red as they were royal, but that wasn’t even the most eye-catching part about them. They were giant snakes! Not just that, they were giant snakes that were popping out of a hole in the ground! It looked like they’d tunneled straight through!

They probably had the money to pay for that.

“Yeah,” Goombella said. She knew who Toadette was curious about. “So those two are the Hisstocrats. I’m guessing by the way you’ve been staring at them that you don’t know them.”

Toadette shook her head. “Nope.”

The giant blue snake across the dining room let out a whistle, his forked tongue tasting the air as he did so. It sounded so light, almost like a flute! It was charming for sure, considering a pair of lesser snakes popped out of the ground, balancing plates of delicious mushroom dinners on their heads. With a bow, the lesser snakes dropped the plates before the Hisstocrat couple.

The lesser snakes dove back down into the ground, patching up the floor where they had dug through. Wow! Amazing workers! Where were these guys when Toadette was a chief of construction?!

“Yeah. They’re _loaded._ ” Goombella rolled her eyes. “They’re also color coated by gender. Blue one is Mr. Hisstocrat, pink one is Mrs. Hisstocrat.” She looked back at herself and Toadette. “Although, uh, I guess I can’t totally complain since we’re both girls and both really pink…”

Toadette shrugged. “At least we’re not _super_ heteronormative like them! We’re two pinks together.”

Goombella giggled. “Good point, girl! Love the way you think. Plus, we’re way more fashionable. Like, seriously? Crowns and royal capes? Don’t we have enough rich guys in this city pretending to be Kings and Queens?”

Toadette nodded along but noted the way Mrs. Hisstocrat carried herself. She didn’t call the lesser snakes to her service like her husband, but she made sure to dig in first. Mr. Hisstocrat appeared to wait until his wife began eating before he jumped in.

“You noticed?” Goombella said with a smirk. “While they are pretty heteronormative like you said, at the very least Mrs. Hisstocrat here wears the pants in the relationship if you get me. She’s not only the brains of the two but the brawn as well. Hubby hasn’t learned to spit fireballs like she can. If I had to put a number on it, I’d say she’s got 6 Attack power while he’s only got 3.”

“Huh. So, you don’t want to mess with her,” Toadette mused. “What got them so rich? What do they do with it? I get the feeling they’re even meaner than they look.”

Triss, the waitress Toad from before, waddled near in the hopes to ask the couple how they were doing. Mrs. Hisstocrat snapped her teeth and flames sparked between her lipstick. “Watch your step, lowly Toad! We have our own servants and don’t need your hideous sight blocking our view! Your chef is all we care about, not _you!_ ”

Sparkling starry tears dripped down Triss’ cute eyes. She was a space cadet, but she was a Toad first. She scrambled far away from those two without so much as a ☆.

Goombella frowned. As much as she might hate it, being rude wasn’t a criminal offense. “Yeah, they’re mean all right. They work for Bowser, or more accurately, they’re business partners with Bowser.”

“Ugh! Of course they are.”

“They made their place in the world by being talented circus performers,” Goombella tattled. “Balancing plates on their lesser servant’s heads, charming the audience with their captivating songs, and most importantly running the circus. They don’t get up on stage as often as they used to, but Mrs. Hisstocrat is the lead designer in their attractions. She helped make Bowser’s fancy casino the fun, bright, jazzy place it is.”

“Wow.” Toadette thought of the ritzy chandeliers, the tuxedos, and the bright neon lights that Bowser surrounded himself with. “A bit gaudy, but I gotta admit, she does have a knack for interior design if that’s the case.”

“I know, right?!” Goombella almost shouted. She was a bit of an architect herself. More just a passing interest. “It frustrates me to admit it, but I’m kinda a fan of Bowser’s decorations now that she’s involved. Anyway, she’s got constant work to do since Bowser’s always trying to expand and always breaking his own merchandise with those shady deals of his. So you can imagine they’re well off.”

Toadette noted the two big X’s made from bandages on each of the Hisstocrats’ heads.

“That’s their overly obvious weak points,” Goombella sighed. “For a couple that work in construction and dangerous stunt performances, they refuse to take off their crowns and wear safety helmets. I’d say they’re hardheaded, but that’s clearly not the case.”

Mr. Hisstocrat looked up at his wife lovingly, or maybe beggingly? He asked, “Honey, may I be excused to use the little snakes’ room? You didn’t let me go before and I must say I’m in terrible need.”

“Oh, fine, fine!” Mrs. Hisstocrat groaned between classy gulps. “Must you act so desperate and humiliated? I let you use the bathroom yesterday.”

“Yes, dear, sorry dear, love you, dear,” he said, diving into his hole quickly to tunnel away. The lesser snakes patched up the hole he made in seconds.

“Yikes,” was all Toadette could say to that. If these two grabbed a flagpole, they’d leave an enormous red flag waving high up in the air for all to see.

“Geez, yeah, that’s way too weird.” Goombella shook her head (body) and moved onto another table.

Three ritzy Bob-ombs sat, the time ticking away at their backs as their windup keys whirred pleasantly. They were two adult women with a smaller bronze bomb boy. One lady was silver with a fancy purple hat and a feather in it and matching purple heels. The other shone a bright clear blue, almost blindingly bright, wearing a bright white sunhat. The silver Bob-omb lady and the bronze kid seemed vaguely familiar to Toadette, but she wasn’t sure how.

“Oh, that’s Sylvia the Bob-omb!” Goombella exclaimed. “With her son, Bub. They’re the family of Goldbob! Remember Goldbob? The owner of Goldbobbington’s? You told me you ran into him with Luigi some time back!”

The memory jumped and exploded into Toadette’s mind like a car crash. “Oh my gosh, that’s right! That’s his wife and kid?”

“Ex-wife!” Goombella said in that hushed tone, that cute overly excited voice she gets when she just can’t handle how juicy the gossip is. “They got divorced!”

Toadette suppressed a gasp. She didn’t usually love gossip, but when it was with Goombella, she couldn’t help but be captivated. “No way! That makes sense...”

Goombella managed to steady her excited breathing to ask, “Hey, so um. How was Goldbobbery anyway? When you told me what happened, it sounded bad.”

Toadette smiled. She was never as close to people as Goombella, but she made a promise to help that man and she made sure to check up on him. “We got him some help. He was a jerk and the worst kind of rich guy, but he’s doing better now. He’s a manager at the Crazy Cap down on Dixie Street. He’s not loaded anymore, but I think he’s happy. Or at least as happy as a guy like him can be.”

“Phew,” Goombella let out a relieved sigh. “I’m really glad to hear that. It makes me feel way less bad about how excited I am to tell you about the other lady sitting there.”

“Yeah, I was just about to ask? Who is she?”

Goombella grinned way too much and Toadette had to soothe the beating in her chest. “Her name’s Dia. She’s a diamond Bob-omb.” Goombella leaned closer over the table, her shining fang and cute lipstick glistening under the Excess Express’ lighting. “She’s Sylvia’s new wife!”

Toadette was blown away. “What?! No way, seriously?! Did it turn out she’s gay all along?!”

“Dunno!” Goombella said with a (flirtatious?) giggle. (Or was Toadette hoping it was flirty…?) “I think she’s a moneysexual. Attracted to people with money. Dia over there is _loaded_. She’s so shiny she makes Goldbob look dull in comparison, even when he was at his best!”

Toadette shook her head. “I can’t tell if this is a ‘that’s messed up’ moment or a ‘good for her’ moment.”

“I know rich people suck, but I wanna say good for her,” Goombella giggled. “She knows what she wants, and she took it. Plus, you don’t see enough high-class gay couples around here, y’know?”

 _Takes what she wants…_ Toadette stared at Goombella’s grinning face (body) and her gorgeous golden hair. _Is that what you want me to do, Goombella? No, that’d be weird! … Right?_

Before Toadette became a steamed mushroom, something wet and soggy slapped up next to them. “Nice to beat you, lovely Goombella!” the voice said in a strange accent that Toadette couldn’t place.

Toadette nearly fell backwards out of her chair but luckily Goombella wasn’t even a little bit surprised.

“Chef Shimi,” Goombella started sheepishly. “Good to see you again. I think you mean ‘Nice to meet you.’”

The Cheep Cheep known as Chef Shimi let out a hearty belly flopping laugh. “Ohoho! Of course! Sorry, I still gurgle with language besides Cheep Cheep.” He probably meant struggle.

Now this was someone Toadette vaguely knew already. Chef Shimi was one of the _very_ few Cheep Cheeps that lived in the city and out of water. For good reason! Cheep Cheeps were _known_ to not be the smartest fish in the ocean. Plus, it wasn’t easy for a fish to make a living on land! But it was always raining in New Donk City, so that probably helped.

Chef Shimi was a little famous in the chef world too, but nothing quite like Tayce T. although he very much tries to be. Maybe a little too hard. There wasn’t much to this guy, he simply wore a chef hat to make sure everyone knew he was one, but honestly, a Cheep Cheep flopping around on land was already abnormal. His brown scales made him look a little overcooked.

“So, like, why’d you come out to see me anyway?” Goombella asked. Only Toadette could tell this was extremely awkward for her. “I figured our waitress might handle this.”

“Why would I knot?” Chef Shimi said. Somehow Toadette could tell he was saying the wrong word. “You are the hero that shaved my life, do you not remember? I abhor you!”

“Adore…?”

“Yes, that is what I shed.” Shimi laughed again and spurted some salt water around the place. It was kinda gross, but Toadette didn’t want to be disrespectful. “I wanted to take your border personally! Your dinner will be on the blouse!”

It was like this guy specifically _tried_ to get one word wrong per sentence.

Goombella smiled so sweetly, so fakely. Toadette was impressed and glad she never used that smile on her. “Aw, that’s very sweet, Shimi. You don’t have to do that.”

“I goo! I goo!” Shimi said with excitement. “Please border anything you like for yourself and your beautiful girlfriend!”

Goombella wasn’t even drinking anything but she looked like she just spit it out anyway. “G-girlfriend? Are you, psh, whaaaaat?” Toadette felt her chest pang with hurt. “We’re just friends.”

“Oh!” Shimi furrowed his fishy brows like he simply could not fathom that he was wrong. “I just sawblade the way you were talking and figured girlfriends!” Okay that one wasn’t even close!! “Please, excuse my gumption. May I rake your order?” He corrected one word only to get a new one wrong.

Goombella rolled her eyes but replied, “Yeah, can I get a Roast Shroom?”

“Of horse! Extra mushrooms?”

“Er, yeah, I guess, why not. And can I get that with a Kerocola?”

“Is Chuckola okay?”

“Yeah, that’s fine.”

Shimi turned to Toadette. “And for you, miss?”

“Can I get the Mushroom Burger but with no mushroom?”

Chef Shimi’s hat nearly fell off his body as he flopped. “I do not understand.”

Toadette worried this might happen. Everything in the entire menu had mushrooms in it, even the deserts, even some of the drinks! It’s not that Toadette hated mushrooms, it’s just… she was a Toad. She didn’t want to eat them all the time.

“Can you make a burger like usual and just _not_ put any mushrooms in it?”

“Oh!” Chef Shimi nodded while flopping. “You want your mushrooms on the ride, yes?” (He meant side.) “Tayce T. she is popular chef on land, yes? She is the mushroom and makes many mushroom dishes! It is what people like.”

Toadette tried to smile as politely as she could. “Sure, yeah, on the side, that’s fine. Could I get that with a Tasty Tonic?”

“Mushrooms on the ride again?”

“Please. Please no mushrooms in the drink.”

“Of horse! I will prepare your ferocious meal shortly!” Chef Shimi flopped away cheerfully, splashing salt water on a few customers as he left. He didn’t seem to have a care in the world.

Goombella sighed once he was gone. “I guess I should have warned you that Chef Shimi is a… character to put it nicely. He thinks non-Cheep Cheeps eat _only_ mushrooms. I honestly can’t get a read on him. Is he just messing with people or is he genuinely nice, just a bit confused?”

“Wow,” Toadette replied. “It’s okay, you didn’t have time to warn me. I’m more surprised that _you_ can’t get a read on someone. You’re the best I know when it comes to understanding others.”

Goombella’s eyes shot around the restaurant again. “H-huh? R-really? it’s just a Goomba thing, it’s not special.” Toadette could tell she wanted to start chewing on her hair again. Goombella did that when she thought no one was looking and was feeling nervous. Don’t tell anyone, she’s _really_ embarrassed about it.

As per usual, she was trying to make the subject about anyone else but herself.

“You _are_ special,” Toadette said. “You understand me, don’t you?”

Goombella nodded, suddenly serious. “Of course, girl! I get you!”

“Yeah?” Toadette leaned her elbow on the table, resting her smiling face on her hand. “Can you guess what I’m thinking?”

Goombella grinned. “You know it! Try me!”

“Okay. Go.” Toadette smirked. Goombella squinted, like she was trying really hard to see into Toadette’s rubbery head. _I really like you, Goombella. I wish you could see the good in yourself, even if it has to be through me._

Goombella blushed. “Y-you’re, um, really excited for your meal?”

Toadette frowned. “That’s not it and you know it.”

“Guess I’m not as good at this as you thought.” She laughed nervously.

“You are, Goombella. You—”

“Ohmigosh! Is that you, Koops!?” Goombella gasped. “And Kooper, too?!”

Toadette groaned. This always seemed to happen.

“W-whoa, hey, er, Goombella?” the Koopa boy stuttered. The first thing to notice about this one was his bandage over his beak and the blue sweater he wore under his green shell. The guy looked like he either got into a lot of fights or took a lot of tumbles. The way he stuttered and fidgeted made Toadette think it was the latter.

“Koops, I can’t believe you’re here; I didn’t notice you till now!” She leaped out of her chair and towards the sweater Koopa who must have been Koops. She looked over to the other Koopa with him. “And you must be Kooper! I’ve heard about you but never met you!”

“Yep, that’s me!” the blue Koopa said. He wasn’t dressed as much as Koops, but he did wear a pretty nice bright red neckerchief and matching armbands. Simple but very effective. Like Koops, his neckerchief looked a bit ragged, there were two holes poked through it. But unlike Koops, this Kooper fella looked like he got into fights instead of running away.

“What are the two of you doing here together?” Goombella asked, practically bouncing in place she was so happy.

“Oh, um, we’re, um,” Koops started, looking increasingly nervous.

Kooper broke in with a cheeky smile. “We’re on a date!”

Goombella practically screamed, “WHAT?! No WAY!”

Koops scratched the back of his head. “It’s, heh, it’s true. I, uh, don’t think I was ready to tell you that yet.” He glared slightly at Kooper. “But I guess it’s out in the open.”

“Sorry, Koops, couldn’t help it!” Kooper grinned and put his boyfriend in a tight headlock.

“That’s _so_ crazy! When did you meet? How did it happen? How long have you been together?” Uh oh, Goombella was in gossip mode. “Why didn’t you tell me??”

Toadette quickly hoped up to her side, hopefully to settle her down and maybe let these Koopas enjoy themselves in peace.

Koops held his hands up as if to defend himself against her barrage of pushy questions. “Uh. Er. Well…”

“Oh, hey, you must be on a date too, huh?” Kooper interrupted, eyes landing on Toadette.

Goombella’s questions stopped mid-word. Yep, that was a surefire way to shut her up.

Toadette wasn’t going to pass this opportunity up. She wasn’t ready to be hurt again. “We are, actually,” Toadette said. “We’re right in the middle of ours.”

“H-huh? W-what are you,” Goombella gulped. “It’s, we’re like on a _friend_ date, like, ah, a joke date, like for Valentina’s Day, y’know?”

“Wasn’t that more than a month ago…?”

“Y-yeah! That’s the joke, y’know? Like…”

Toadette had the strongest urge to just squeeze Goombella’s head until it popped. She really had to correct that?! She really had to keep denying it?! These two Koopa friends of hers weren’t!

“W-well,” Koops said, clearly able to read the room better than Goombella and Kooper. “We really shouldn’t interrupt. We were actually just leaving anyway, weren’t we, Kooper?” At least Toadette wasn’t the only one who wanted to get out of this.

Kooper laughed, “Yeah, guess we should get out of your hair.”

Triss, the waitress Toad, was waving to them across the way at their previous table. She was cleaning up after what appeared to be a pretty light meal. Lots of food left over. They must not have liked it. Toadette could understand once she saw the mushrooms stuffed inside their glasses. “Have a nice rest of your date you two~☆”

Goombella frowned. “Aw, we really have to catch up sometime for sure now! But standing in the middle of a restaurant is probably not the best place to do it.”

Koops smiled so brightly it nearly sparkled. “Yeah, why not call me up after you’re done? We can go over everything.”

“That sounds great, Koops, I really gotta know what happened with you and—”

Before Goombella could finish, an ear-piercing scream rang out through the restaurant, louder than a train horn.

 **“AAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!”** Everything went quiet save for a familiar woman’s voice. “My husband!! My husband’s been killed! Somebody, **HELP ME THIS INSTANT!** ”

Goombella took one quick glance at Toadette. They nodded to each other. If anyone was going to do something about this, it would be them.

“M-murder?!” Koops stuttered, nearly tripping over himself in shock.

“C’mon, Koops, you’re coming with us, aren’t you?”

“I-I don’t know, we were just about to leave and…”

“What? I thought Mario taught you to be brave!”

Kooper helped his boyfriend up. “C’mon, Koops, we gotta do this.”

“Err, I guess you’re right, maybe we _can_ help, can’t we?”

Kooper grinned and gave a sparkly thumbs up. “Of course we can.”

The four sprinted towards the wailing distress, pushing through a door into the men’s restrooms. There wasn’t time to worry about gender politics! Toadette and Goombella weren’t ready for what they witnessed. They’d seen murder victims before, it’s more common than anyone would like in a packed city like this, but it’s never something you can get used to.

Mrs. Hisstocrat towered over the corpse of Mr. Hisstocrat, makeup running down her scaly cheeks, crying like a leaky faucet. Mr. Hisstocrat’s body laid limp across the bathroom tile floor, looking more like a deflated pool noodle than a major boss. His tongue flopped out of his mouth and his blue scales seemed to have turned even bluer. Two big X’s appeared over his eyes, signifying his death, and matching the bruised X bandage on his head. His crown had fallen next to a urinal.

“Who did this?! WHO DID THIS?!” Mrs. Hisstocrat wailed, steam hissing out of her maw. “I will _personally_ burn the scum that did this to a crisp!”

“Geez…” Koops gulped. He couldn’t help but shiver.

It wasn’t long before Chef Shimi and Triss tried to stuff themselves in this already crowded space as well.

“Oh my cod!”

“I think I’m gonna barf~☆”

Suddenly the world was spinning in Toadette’s mind. Everything was happening too fast; everything was happening _too much_. Chef Shimi was flopping against her, the waitress was gagging, Koops was having a panic attack, and Mrs. Hisstocrat was about to tear down the entire establishment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Guys always go for girls like that, don’t they? Why is that, Toadette?”
> 
> This is a line straight from Goombella's tattle of the waitress on the Excess Express from Thousand Year Door. The only difference is I changed it from Mario to Toadette. It's a line that always stuck with me for some reason but also bugged me a little too, so I poked fun at it and made it a little less straight.
> 
> Valentina's Day is a reference to Valentine's day obviously. But the reference is mostly to Valentina who, in a credits scene in Mario RPG, is seen getting married to Booster. Before the screen fades to black, Booster runs away at the altar.
> 
> The only food item I 'made up' here was the Mushroom Burger. The rest of the foods are various Mario items from different games. Maybe there is a Mushroom Burger in some game, but I didn't look into it.
> 
> The "Bowser makes it rain" theory is a reference to Mario Odyssey. In the game, New Donk City is constantly under a heavy dark rain and it goes away once you kick Bowser out.
> 
> Toadette being a captain is a reference to her being a main character in Captain Toad.
> 
> 'The first thing anyone would notice about the Excess Express Cuisine’s inside was that it played a cute yet simple tune from multiple train-like speakers on the wall. The song had an old record-like quality to it that Toadette appreciated.' This is a reference to the Excess Express's actual music which was probably meant to sound like it was coming from the speakers in the train itself too. 
> 
> Speaking of, Excess Express was the chapter in Thousand Year Door with a ton of 'mysteries' and had 'Detective Mario' who was also referred to as 'Luigi' a few times. It was one of my favorite chapters of the game and a big inspiration to this series in general, so I always wanted to write a little Excess Express mystery of my own to honor it.


	2. Murder!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What!! Murder? Who did that! Cut it out!!

“Everyone calm down!” Goombella shouted. “Nobody leaves the building until we find out what happened here, got it?! Chef Shimi, Triss, you two get out of here and watch the exits! You both should know them better than anything.”

“Yes, ba’am!”

“I really didn’t want to be here anyway~☆”

Toadette quickly scooched close to Goombella to whisper, “Hey, you sure that’s a good idea? We can’t rule out any suspects already.”

Goombella’s eyes were sharp, there was no doubting her. “I get it, but they’re the least likely, y’know? Right now, we’re understaffed, and I _need_ you in case things go south. Even if one of them was the murderer, it’s not likely they’re _both_ the murderer. One of them should alert us if anyone tries to make an escape.”

Toadette nodded. Goombella was a quick thinker. She had to be. A Goomba in a city like this could find herself stomped into the pavement if she wasn’t smart.

Kooper grinned. “Dang, I’ve heard all about you, Goombella, but you’re even cooler in person! I’ll admit, I’m not too experienced in this kind of thing, but if you want, Koops and I can help the others lock down the fort. We’re not half-bad fighters!”

Goombella shook her head. “No. I need you guys here with me.” She motioned to Mrs. Hisstocrat, her snake tongue licking flames.

“I’ll, um, try my best!” Koops said, looking like he was ready to hide in his shell at any moment.

Toadette knew she had to support Goombella. She had a lot on her plate and was busy keeping everything and everyone under control.

She stepped forward towards the freshly made widow Hisstocrat. “What makes you so sure this was a murder?” Toadette asked.

_First things first, get the obvious out of the way, kill some time, try to figure out what we’re dealing with._

Mrs. Hisstocrat glared down at Toadette. “Because I’m not _stupid,_ you lowly fungus! Look at my hubby’s poor head!” she hissed. Toadette felt fire breath dry out her skin but waved it off. Mrs. Hisstocrat hopefully knew better than to gobble up a Toad in front of all these witnesses.

Toadette took a closer look at the corpse. “Scuff marks. Bruising. A big bump. His weak point was clearly exploited.” She surveyed the surroundings, glancing at the roof of this tiny bathroom. “No damage on the ceiling. He didn’t bump his head at least.”

“ _I_ could have told you that!” Mrs. Hisstocrat said.

“Well you didn’t.” Toadette continued. “Other than his tunnel entrance and yours, Mrs. Hisstocrat, there’s virtually no damage here or any sign of a struggle. Mr. Hisstocrat must have been taken out while he was unaware. We would have heard the fight or at least his theme playing if he’d been given a fair chance.”

That quieted her.

Toadette turned back to the giant pink snake. “You were the one who found the body though, didn’t you?”

She grinded her fangs together. “Just what are you implying?!”

“Suspicious,” Kooper said.

“Just answer the question first and I’ll tell you what I may or may not be implying later.”

“Rude little girl! Do you know how much I’m worth?!” Mrs. Hisstocrat hissed. “Do you know who I work for?! My husband lies dead on the floor and you disrespect me!”

“Ma’am, I’m just trying to work as quickly as possible,” Toadette said, trying not to roll her eyes.

_I’ll admit, it’s hard to respect a rich jerk like this, especially one of Bowser’s cronies, but she’s right. Jerk or not, her husband’s dead. Still up in the air if she killed him though._

“She works for Bowser,” Kooper said, shaking his fist at her. Information they already knew, but he wasn’t an investigator as far as Toadette knew. “I don’t trust her one bit!”

“You horrible traitor!” Mrs. Hisstocrat screamed; her rage fixated on the Koopas now. “You defy Lord Bowser, you defy me?! How dare you even call yourself a reptile! People like you shame us!”

“Bowser’s the lame one! If you had a clue, you’d have ditched him when you had the chance!”

“Kooper!” Goombella shouted, hopping between them. “Not helping!”

Koops pulled Kooper back who was _way_ angrier about this than Toadette expected. Must have been a long history. Toadette understood the frustration at least. Bowser tried to call himself King of Koopas more than a few times, he gave Koopas a bad name.

“Hey!” Toadette yelled. “Let’s all focus!” She threw what pride she had on the bathroom floor along with Mr. Hisstocrat’s crown. Pride wasn’t something she needed. “Mrs. Hisstocrat, I’m terribly sorry about what happened. I’m sorry about what I said and what Kooper said. If you could tell me what happened from your perspective, we might have a better chance at catching whoever did it.”

Like most stuck-up rich people, a fake apology was usually all you needed. They lived in a world of fake apologies, of fake politeness, they couldn’t tell when a _commoner_ wasn’t being sincere. They didn’t think they were good enough to pull it off.

“Well!” Mrs. Hisstocrat said with a huff, turning away from the Koopas. “That’s much better. Fine, yes, I will tell you what happened.”

She cleared her throat and began. “I was enjoying my delicious dinner when my hubby asked me if it was okay to use the little snake’s room. It had been a long time and I quite hated looking at him while I ate, so I allowed him to leave. After I had finished my meal, which was _mediocre_ by the way, I noticed that my hubby had still not returned! I am often very generous I’ll have you know; I give him up to 5 minutes to use the restroom before I call him crass!”

Toadette didn’t find much important here other than a pile of red flags.

“But it had been _much_ longer than 5 minutes! Maybe it was 6 or 7? The nerve that husband of mine has sometimes… Well! As any wife should do, I smashed into the men’s bathrooms to give my hubby quite the thrashing for humiliating me in public, but that was when I found him already thrashed! And quite too hard I must add! I would _never_ kill my hubby, only injure him!”

Mrs. Hisstocrat tilted her head as she went into deep thought which was uncharacteristic for someone with unfathomable amounts of money. “Although, I suppose I would kill him if I ever caught him cheating on me or maybe if he threatened to divorce me for my money or if he had embarrassed me _too_ much say in front of Lord Bowser…”

Toadette hid her disdain well enough. Mrs. Hisstocrat was very good at digging holes for herself, wasn’t she? It was how she got around after all.

“But I assure you, I did _not_ kill my husband!”

“I don’t buy it one bit,” Kooper said, looking to Koops. “What do you think?”

“I-I don’t want to judge, but I’m with you on this…”

“Why you!!” Mrs. Hisstocrat hissed. “I can hear you both! If I hadn’t just eaten and lost my appetite, I’d be having turtle soup right now!”

“Just try it! Not surprised a murderer like you would be willing to murder again!”

“Cut it out you two!” Toadette yelled. She hated the idea that she was defending a millionaire, but she _truly_ hated that she might let a murderer run free.

“Yes!” Mrs. Hisstocrat said. “Where’s your proof that I did it then, hm?”

Kooper didn’t back down. “Where’s your proof you didn’t, huh?! You’re the one who found the body, you’re the one who treats her husband like trash!”

Toadette leaned toward Goombella and whispered, “Should we stop them?”

“Not yet. I think this works for us.”

Mrs. Hisstocrat fumed. “I was eating dinner for all to see! How could I have done it?!”

Kooper shrugged. “Not much of an alibi. For all we know, everyone saw you eat, saw you leave, and then next thing we now, your hubby’s dead. Being in a marriage with you must be tough.”

“EXCUSE ME?!”

Kooper didn’t stop even when Koops hid behind his blue shell. “He must have been unhappy with you. Who wouldn’t? You’re lame, you’re uncool, you’re still with that dud, Bowser of all people? Come on. You must have had the chance to work for someone else, but you _didn’t_. Your ‘hubby’ was sick of it, sick of you. But you couldn’t get a divorce, oh no! If you got a divorce, he’d take half of everything _you_ built, right? If he’s dead, you don’t have to give him _anything_.”

“Wow… that was some great thinking,” Koops said from behind.

Kooper grinned and gave another shiny thumbs up. “Thanks, bro.”

“I’ve had _ENOUGH!”_ Mrs. Hisstocrat bellowed; the entire establishment shook with her fury. Shockwaves sent glasses clattering and silverware clanking through the bathroom walls.

Kooper took a fighting stance, his scuffed and battered boots digging into the tile as he kept his footing. Koops followed along, his own roughed up boots looking ready to leap into the air and stomp on her weak point as well. “Go ahead, try us, lady! See what happens! Goombella, Toadette, you with us?! She won’t stand a chance against the four of us!”

“No way!” Goombella shouted pushing them back. “This place has seen too much violence as it is!”

“It clearly hasn’t seen enough!” Mrs. Hisstocrat roared as Toadette tried to coax her away with compliments.

“Let’s just get out of this bathroom and _cool off!_ ” Goombella said trying to deescalate the situation. “I’ve already called the NDPD, they’ll be here any minute!”

 _For all the good they’ll do…_ Toadette made sure not to say that part out loud.

“That so?” Kooper said. “Well, you shouldn’t need us around anymore, right? This case is solved!”

“Not yet,” Goombella said. They walked back into the dining area, finding all eyes on them, including Chef Shimi and Triss. They didn’t run when they had the chance. Not that it’d have done them any good, since if they ran for it, it’d be even more obvious they were the criminals. “You two in a hurry to leave suddenly?”

“It’s, um, been quite stressful here,” Koops said with a sheepish smile. “I’ll admit, this whole ordeal has made me quite nervous.”

Mrs. Hisstocrat appeared back at her table, angry veins still popping out of her scaly skull. She merely glared at everyone around her, clearly looking for someone to justify her rage-filled revenge on.

“Afraid we’ll have to keep stressing you out a bit longer, Koops,” Goombella said. “I think I’ve got a good idea who’s done this, but I just want to make double sure I’m right.”

Kooper nodded. “Hey, I get it. Like, we all know it’s Mrs. Hisstocrat, but you gotta make sure it’s all wrapped up nicely right? Besides, could always be a curve ball.” He looked to the family of rich Bob-ombs. “Could be them, you know? Rich rivals and all. Quick explosion to the head and _boom!_ ”

Kooper motioned to Chef Shimi and Triss. “Or even those two. I saw the way that lady verbally assaulted the waitress. Awful! One of these days she’s bound to snap. Maybe Chef Shimi was insulted by her behavior too. A nice belly flop right on a guy’s weak point’s all you need.”

“You’ve got a lot of theories about everyone, don’tcha?” Goombella asked with a smile. “Y’know, we could really use more thinkers like you.”

Kooper grinned. “Ah, well, I am pretty cool…” Koops gave him a nervous shake on his blue shell. “But, hm, you know? I really do think you’ve got it all covered here. I just remembered Koops and I have a movie to catch and we don’t want to miss it.”

“Aw, already, huh?” Goombella shook her head. “Such a shame. You know, the NDPD really shouldn’t be long. I’m talking any second they’ll be here, covering this place head to toe in cops and eyes. You’d really be a huge help if you stayed.”

“Dang,” Kooper sighed with a big sulk. “Any second you say? Yeah, I mean, I’d love to help you more, but we just don’t have time! We’re gonna go, okay?”

Goombella nodded and gave them a wink. Toadette knew what that meant. She kept a close eye on the door. On them.

“Sure, yeah, why don’t you guys just get on out of here? I know my friends better than anyone.”

Koops hopped forward and let out a relieved breath. “R-really? You mean it? Oh, thank you! It’s so good to have a friend like you who really understands us!”

“Of course, of course,” Goombella nodded. “And say, since I know you two so well, I have to say, you must be thirsty after doing all that talking, right?”

“Huh?” Kooper asked. “I mean, not really.”

Koops gave another sheepish smile. “Yeah, I’m good, but thank you.”

“No, no!” Goombella shook her head. “I _know_ my friends; I _know_ you two! You’re hard workers, you’re real thirsty! You don’t think I’d be wrong about my pal, Koops, right?”

Kooper scowled, but Koops stepped forward. “No, yeah, um, I guess you are right. I am a little thirsty. But can we make this quick? We really should be going.” He was practically tapping his scuffed-up shoes he was so antsy.

“Won’t be a problem,” Goombella turned over to Chef Shimi. “Hey chef! Can you get these two a quick drink of water? Like _really_ fast? They’re totally in a hurry, so the quicker the better!”

“Of horse!” Shimi replied, flopping over their way.

“By the way,” Goombella went on, eyes sparkling like a beautiful dagger. Toadette was entranced at how quick she was thinking, how dangerous she could be when it came to speaking. “Koops, we can talk about this later, but I gotta ask…”

Koops gulped. “Y-yeah? What’s up?”

“You’re with Kooper now, right?”

“Er. Mmhmm!”

Goombella’s smile was as sharp as her fang. “How did Koopsie Koo take it? You and her breaking up and all.”

“Er, um…” Koops started. Shimi’s wet flopping was getting closer, louder. “P-pretty well? Not really a problem.”

“Oh, really? That’s so crazy.” Goombella said pleasantly. “From what I remember, Koopsie Koo was really controlling and _really_ into you. I’m surprised to hear she didn’t flip out.”

Koops was aggressively scratching the back of his neck now. Kooper’s scowl was deeper than she’d ever seen from a Koopa besides Bowser. “Oh, um, yeah! Actually, Koopsie Koo did flip out pretty bad! I just, well, I didn’t want to talk about it I guess, heh heh.”

“That’s so weird!” Goombella said, laughing sweetly. “Weird that you’d lie about that? Or maybe you just didn’t know? Kind of like how you’re getting your ex-girlfriend’s name wrong?”

“W-what? What do you…” Koops was reaching into his hoodie, not scratching his neck. Kooper clutched his neckerchief.

“Her name’s Koopie Koo! Not Koopsie Koo. My bad,” Goombella laughed. “Totally my mistake.”

“Huh? I, um, me too! I just heard you say it and…”

“I bring you two delirious water as quickly as possible!” Chef Shimi said joyfully. Only a Cheep Cheep could do this without hesitation. In the next moment, he pursed his lips and spat a rough stream of water out at the two Koopas.

“What the heck is your problem!?” Kooper sputtered, shielding himself with his dark blue shell rather than drink some nasty salt water from a fish.

“Ugh, you idiot, stop that!” Koops gasped between squelches, jumping into his shell.

Toadette looked on with bright eyes at Kooper’s blue shell. _Just as I thought. And Goombella found the perfect way to prove it without them expecting a thing._

Blue paint dripped off Kooper’s shell, practically blasted completely off by Chef Shimi’s over eager squirting. In its place, a bright curry yellow shell glowed like Power Star reward.

“What happened, Kooper? Lose your shell again?!” Goombella said triumphantly.

‘Kooper’ nearly popped out of his yellow shell in fright when he realized what happened. “You! What?! You! You…!”

“And Koops…” Goombella smirked. “Looks like your shell is green, but I know a certain Bro. that has a green shell _just_ like you.”

“Fine!” the yellow Koopa screeched, his cool shiny teeth gritted into a deep scowl. “So you found us out! So what?!” He pulled the ‘handkerchief’ over his eyes and it suddenly became a cool mask, a cool bandana, for an even ‘cooler’ guy.

“Big whoop! Like we care!” The green Koopa pulled his hoodie over his eyes and it turned out to be another matching bandana eye-mask just like the others.

“The Koopa Bros.,” Goombella said with a sigh.

“That’s right! I’m Yellow!” the Yellow one yelled, striking a cheesy pose.

“And I’m Green!” the Green one also yelled, shaking off his dorky sweater and shorts to show his ‘cool’ form.

They flashed a matching shiny thumbs up and said in unison, “We’re the new and improved Super Ultra Mighty Koopa Bros. the Great!! But you can just call us the Koopa Bros. still.”

Steam hissed out of Mrs. Hisstocrat as she glowed with rage. “So _you’re_ the murderers!”

Yellow shook his head and wagged a finger at them, every single motion seemingly exaggerated for an audience. “Now hold on a second! We never admitted to being murderers! Only that we’re the Koopa Bros.! Get your facts straight! You’ve got no proof you lame old hag!”

Toadette once again found herself coaxing the giant snake woman. “Hey, hey! Calm down, calm down! They’re _trying_ to rile you up! If you attack them first, you’ll be the one in trouble!”

“Really?” Goombella wasn’t impressed. Chef Shimi had flopped as far away from trouble as he could, as did the rest of the patrons. “So you two were just disguised as other Koopas for fun? Y’know, it’s messed up to pretend you’re gay!”

Yellow shrugged but it was practically another pose. He gave her two thumbs down. “So what if we were in disguise? We’re the Koopa Bros.! Everyone would hassle us if we walked around normally!”

Green piped in with a shiny pointer finger saying, “Yeah! And we _are_ gay, just not with each other! Plus, blanket statements like yours only make a potentially confused gay person afraid to come out, making them think _they’re_ faking!”

For once, Goombella took a step back, eyes wide. “Er. Um. I-I didn’t think of it that way. I’m sorry.”

“You should be! We’ve done nothing wrong!”

“Don’t let them distract you!” Toadette shouted. _Poor Goombella has always struggled with this._

“Shut it, mush head!” Yellow screamed back. “You Toads think you can walk all over anyone who isn’t you!”

Toadette felt a pang in her chest. She was hit with a harsh truth during a time that really wasn’t ideal.

“No, _you_ shut up!” Goombella retaliated, albeit a bit lamely. “She may be a Toad and what you’re saying might be true about them, but she’s been trying her best to help me, darn it!”

“Tough words from a girl who’s been pretending to be gay this whole night!”

_Ouch._

“Quit deflecting!” Goombella cried. “You two are the murderers and I know it for a fact! You recently quit being Bowser’s minions, didn’t you?!”

Yellow and Green brushed off her verbal attack with ease. “Yeah, so what? I’d say that makes us the _good guys_ doesn’t it? We’re on your side, so why don’t you back off and bother someone who deserves it!?”

“It’s never that black or white!” Goombella countered. “You went and made your own gang, you’re trying to build an empire just as bad as Bowser’s, maybe even worse!” The Koopa Bros. barely flinched. “Who better to help build that empire than a ruthless businesswoman like the Hisstocrats, right?”

“That’s right!” Mrs. Hisstocrat added. “Those buffoons tried to strike a deal with me some weeks before! They tried to get me to stop working for Lord Bowser and work for _them_ instead! Of course, I turned them down, they’re nothing more than thugs!”

“You’re full of yourself, lady! Like we need you!” Yellow pointed her way, but it was clear to everyone that he was still furious. “Still working for a loser like Bowser! Pah! He’s lost his touch! There’s territory ripe for the pickin’ in this city and he sits back and does nothing! He had access to us, the coolest Koopas in his whole stinkin’ army and he forgets all about us! All he cares about is that stupid Jr. brat that he picked up! Just because the little fetus beat us all in a fight once doesn’t mean he’s better than us!”

“You’re too obvious!” Goombella growled. “You couldn’t stand the fact that the Hisstocrats wouldn’t work for you! You all decided to make an example out of her, huh? Decided to show the city that _you’re_ the new bad boys in town, right?! Murder her husband, that outta show her for shaming you all!”

Yellow fumbled but Green was quick to step forward. “Talk talk talk, that’s all you people can do! Talk all you want, make up all the fun theories you like, next you’ll be making conspiracy theory videos on the internet saying how there’s a goddess in space and she’s some plumber’s mom! You’ve got no proof we did anything, and you can’t hold us here any longer!”

“I can do more than talk,” Goombella said. “I’ve got all the proof we’ll need! For one, you two were missing when Mr. Hisstocrat went to the bathroom! Mind explaining that one?”

Triss waved her cute little arms in the air like a cheerleader. “Oh~! That’s right! I remember those two Koopas weren’t at their table when I went to give them their bill! Also, they didn’t tip~ _☆_!”

“We, uh,” Yellow started, his bandana getting soaked with sweat. “Had to also use the bathroom?”

Green nodded, but it was obvious he wasn’t as confident. “Yeah! We’re not _that_ cool! Everybody has to go sometime!”

Goombella was dumbfounded. “You went to the bathroom _during_ a murder and you’re trying to tell me you didn’t commit it?!”

Yellow grinned. “We didn’t notice! We were too focused on our disguises and worried how the general public would perceive us! It’s a lot of pressure you know.”

“You’re both insane!”

“It’s still not proof we’re murderers!” Green added. “You’ve only proven that maybe we can be a little dumb sometimes! Just like everyone else really. Pobody’s nerfect and all that. We’re really just like everyone else!”

Toadette grimaced. _Weren’t they just talking about how cool and perfect they were a minute ago…?_

“Fine, fine, you want to play that way?!” Goombella took a step forward. “Why don’t we see just how stupid you two really are then? Give us your shoes!”

Yellow and Green froze like a Yoshi in headlights.

“What’s the matter?” Goombella grinned. “Your shoes have been looking pretty scuffed up anyway! How are you supposed to look cool when you’re walking around in raggedy boots with _the scales of Mr. Hisstocrat’s head on them!?_ ”

Yellow and Green screamed in unison as Goombella’s accusation bonked them into submission. The duo fell onto their shells from the sheer force of it, unable to get back onto their feet.

Meanwhile it gave everyone the ability to see the truth. Specks of royal blue glimmered on their soles, scales of Mr. Hisstocrat!

Goombella moved in closer to her downed enemies. “That’s right! You two jumped on his weak point while he was unaware! You’re deadly ninjas, aren’t you?! Of course you could wipe out a boss like him in one go and as quietly as possible! You’d never be able to take them on both at the same time, so you had to wait for the perfect moment to strike! When no one was around! When the scary Mrs. Hisstocrat wasn’t looking!”

Toadette felt pride swelling up in her chest. Goombella was just so perfect! Toadette knew those two Koopas were up to something, but she would have never been able to put it into words like Goombella did.

“Argh, no way!”

“Impossible!” the two ninjas screamed in cliché defeat as cliché ninjas usually did.

“Now give up and come quietly!” Goombella ordered. “Toadette, tie ‘em up with something until the others show up.”

Toadette nodded, snatching up a free tablecloth cover. As she got closer to the struggling Koopa Bros. on their backs, she noticed a gleam in their eyes.

 _“You think we’re goin’ out without a fight?!”_ Yellow screamed.

“ _Take this, you Goombrat!”_ Green yelled. In a flash, the two dove into their shells and were a spinning tornado of terror heading straight for Goombella.

Without a word, Toadette dove in and grabbed Goombella, dodging their X shaped shell tackle. The Koopa Bros. slammed into the walls like a couple of pinballs but clearly weren’t calling it quits.

“Mrs. Hisstocrat!” Toadette yelled, helping the squishy Goombella to her feet. “Don’t let them escape!”

Yellow and Green shells shot for the exit like a Bullet Bill, but they were soon met with a terrifying earthquake of pink slithering and fiery fangs. “Ohoho, it’d be my pleasure to rid the streets of these low-level thugs!”

Green and Yellow shrieked in unison, their arms and legs scrabbling along the carpet as they put the brakes on their spin.

“Let’s see how you fare with a Hisstocrat when you don’t cower in the shadows!” Mrs. Hisstocrat was having way too much fun…

“Screw this!” Yellow dashed in the opposite direction, Green tailing close behind with hissing fireballs chasing them both. “There’s bound to be another way out! Probably the kitchen!”

Toadette was way ahead of them, little feet pumping as fast as she could. She’d spent a long time in a construction job before this, her running and jumping skills were on par with even the most colorful of plumber! With a well-timed _stomp!_ she landed on Green’s shell and stopped him in place. Next she kicked Green as hard as she could into Yellow who was still barreling towards them.

The two slammed into each other with a satisfying _clunk!_ and sent the ninjas spiraling, eyes dizzy and swirling.

“Give it up!” Toadette huffed, noting how much her little foot hurt from that kick.

“No way, nerds!” they screamed back, practically breakdancing onto their feet. “Now you’ve all messed up! Get ready for our special Bros. attack! Tower formation! Oh yeah!!!”

In a blur of yellow and green, the two Koopas stacked on top of each other with a flashy sparkle, grinning like idiots. They began to spin and spin and spin, like two tops somehow giving each other unlimited energy despite the laws of physics.

“We’ve gotta hit them together!” Goombella shouted, jumping out of the way from a supersonic pair of Koopa shells.

“Little pests!!” Mrs. Hisstocrat hissed, her fireballs unable to keep up with their speed as they pinged and ponged against the table and walls, throwing food and patrons into a panic.

“Ahahaha!” Yellow and Green cackled like maniacs. “And this is just two of us! With the rest of the Bros. we _can_ take over the city! We made short work of your lame husband and we’ll take out anyone that stands in our way!”

Glass shattered, wood splintered, and helpless citizens shrieked. It was chaos in the Excess Express Cuisine, but it was nothing Goombella and Toadette hadn’t seen before. These two ironed out chaos like it was a wrinkle on a shirt. They _lived_ in chaos, they walked down the street and waved to chaos on the sidewalk and then did a job for little old Mayhem and Wacky Hijinks across the block.

They tensed their feet, dug into the carpet, feeling the other’s presence as they prepared. Yellow and Green screamed towards them, a tornado of green and yellow, laughing all the way.

“Now!”

Toadette leaped into the air and stomped right on Yellow’s shell, skidding the two of them to a stop.

“What the heck?!” the Koopa Bros. spat; their balance skewed. It didn’t damage them in the slightest, but it did throw them off formation.

Before they could get back up, Goombella’s thick skull was already flying straight at them. _Bonk!_

Yellow and Green let out a yowling scream, tongues waving in agony as they fell apart like bowling pins under Goombella’s powerful blow. The Koopa Bros. fell flat on their backs once more, but this time they were dizzy, tired, bruised, and a little charred from fireballs. Toadette used this time to tie them up in a tight knot with the tablecloth cover like she had planned before.

“Gah, are you serious?!” Yellow wailed, his legs kicking on the floor. She tied them onto one of the Excess Express’s fancy iron support beams. There was no way they were escaping this time.

“Beaten by a Toad and a Goomba?!”

“Red’s gonna call us cringe!”

“And for once, he’d be right!” Goombella said triumphantly, golden hair glowing with energy. It was moments like this, when she stood tall (as tall as she could) and basked in her achievement, _their_ achievement. Toadette’s heart pounded in her chest with exhilaration.

Goombella was so strong! She was so cool! Even though the world was cruel, always stepping on her, always against her, these moments when she prevailed so wonderfully always left Toadette in awe of her.

* * *

When the NDPD showed up, Toadette was surprised to see more than just Toads. It was still mostly a Toad force, but she did spot a Shy Guy, a Paratroopa, and even a Boo. The Booliceman lifted the Koopa criminals by their shells and proceeded to phase through a wall before a pair of _clunks!_ reminded him that Koopas couldn’t go through walls.

They were clearly still rookies, but they’d grow. Hopefully.

Ted N. Toad let out a sigh of relief once Officer Guy and the Booliceman got the Koopa Bros. through the door with only a few accidents. He looked to Ex-Captain Toadette who was standing next to Captain Goombella and said, “Thank goodness you were here, Toadette! I’m not sure what would have happened without you.”

Toadette didn’t need to look to know Goombella was frowning.

Ted wasn’t the best at picking up signals. “I, well, I left my bazooka at home again, so we’re really lucky to have you on the streets helping us out.”

“ _I’m_ not helping _you_ guys.” Toadette crossed her arms. How many times did she need to say it? What was it going to take for them to realize it? “I’m helping the people of this city because _they_ need it. I’m helping _Goombella_ because I care about _her_ , not where she works.”

Ted blinked in that slow fashion that said he didn’t really understand the difference. “Well! Whatever the reason, we’re really lucky! And Goombella’s lucky to have you!”

Toadette said, “That’s not—”

“Three cheers for Toadette!” Ted interrupted, completely oblivious to his superior standing right next to her. Or maybe he was aware of her, but simply didn’t think much of her? Either way, Toadette was fighting the urge to clock the guy right in his squishy face. “Come on everyone!”

“Hip hip, hooray! Toadette~☆!”

“Ship Ship, hooray! Toadette!”

“Ohoho, I do rather like that mushroom girl!”

Goombella let out a tiny sigh, the noise completely overtaken by cheers and positivity for Toadette.

_It’s not right. This always happens. They give the credit to me even if I’m not working for them anymore! They’re cheering for me and I should be feeling proud. I should be feeling happy, but it’s just ticking me off!_

“Hold on a sec—” Toadette tried to say.

“You’re the best!”

“But it wasn’t—”

“What would we do without you?”

“Stop, listen—”

“You’re a hero, Toadette!”

Toadette couldn’t take it anymore. Fury was bouncing around in her rubbery mushroom cap like a couple of Koopa shells.

“DON’T MESS WITH ME RIGHT NOW!” Toadette finally screamed, silencing everyone in the restaurant. Working in construction, Toadette learned she would be forced to deal with a lot of harassment and generally obtuse laziness. This was her go-to line when she needed people to actually listen to her. It never failed.

They never expect a cute pink girl Toad to get angry. They never expect steam to hiss out of her face, see her cheeks puffed up because she’s so mad! It only made her angrier that it worked! Why did she have to get furious for anyone to listen!?

“You should all be cheering on Goombella, too!” Toadette said to the wide-eyed group. “She did way more than I did! You shouldn’t even be cheering me at all! It should be all for Goombella! But you guys always overlook her!”

“I gave her a free peel for her heroics before this…” Chef Shimi muttered.

“That was before! What about right now?!” Toadette didn’t let him finish, he would just distract from her point.

_‘She knows what she wants, and she takes it.’_

_Goombella likes a girl who takes what she wants, right? Well, I want her! I want her and I want people to see how great she is! I want people to see more than just me, more than just her! I want them to see **us**!_

“Goombella is the smartest, coolest, strongest girl I know!” Toadette said, adrenaline still pumping from their previous victory. “If you really thought I was so great, if you _truly_ believe I deserved to be cheered for, then you’d know how much I love Goombella and why she deserves the cheers more than anyone!”

In an excited huff, she wrapped her arms around Goombella and held her big squishy body up and planted a kiss right on her cute lips. She felt the way Goombella’s fang moved in shock, felt the hot breath against hers, but she eagerly accepted it all, accepted every part of Goombella in front of everyone.

The crowd of onlookers were shocked into silence.

“T-Toadette, what are—” Goombella stuttered out after breaking away from their kiss.

“Three cheers for Goombella!” Ted shouted, clapping.

“Woo hoo!! Goombella!”

“Aw, yeah, Goombella!”

“You’re the best!”

Toadette did her best to hold Goombella over her head, to let her be seen by everyone. Goombella turned as red as a Shy Guy, but she must have been loving it. Toadette finally allowed herself a proud smile.

* * *

Once things had finally calmed down and the NDPD had left and Mrs. Hisstocrat’s lesser snakes had cleaned up much of the debris (at a reduced price), Toadette and Goombella could finally enjoy their dinner in peace.

Goombella stayed uncharacteristically quiet through most of it, only saying a sheepish, ‘Thank you,’ here and there to Shimi and Triss when they delivered their food. She didn’t comment on how scrumptious or ‘totally yummy’ her roasted mushrooms were, mostly resigning herself to absent-minded chewing and staring out the ‘window’ nearby. The same cardboard cactus must have zoomed by almost a hundred times.

Toadette figured it was just because she was tired after the fight, or maybe it was the shock of having Toadette finally confess her feelings! Or maybe it was just she wasn’t used to so much praise for once? Either way, Toadette decided to let her recuperate.

“Toadette,” Goombella said finally.

Toadette snapped to attention, her mushroom tails wagging in excitement as she nodded. “Yeah? Hey, what’s up, girl?”

“That was messed up of you,” Goombella said, still staring out the window, the cardboard cactus zooming by again.

Toadette’s heart sank like a Thwomp. She was so happy, so excited before, but… “H-huh? What, um, what do you mean? I…”

“You really put me on the spot, y’know?” Goombella’s eyes only briefly met Toadette’s. They were so sad.

Toadette choked back a gulp. She really messed up, didn’t she? “I, um, I didn’t mean to! I just, everyone always overlooks you, and it’s so frustrating, and I…”

“I know they do,” Goombella sighed. “I know. I know. I know it’s a little messed up of me, too, but I’m kind of mad that the only reason I got that praise was because of you. It feels like I didn’t earn it, like, I didn’t do anything. I’m just friends with you and got lucky, y’know?”

Toadette fiddled with her fingers, unsure what to do with her hands. “I’m—I’m sorry. I really didn’t mean it to be like that.”

Another sigh. “I know, I know, you were just trying to help, I can’t be mad at you for that.” Goombella gave one brief smile, as if to soothe the anxiety in Toadette’s heart. “Maybe just whisper and ask me next time, yeah? I know I’d say yes if you asked, but I’d feel better if you got my permission first.” Her frown returned, but at least her gaze stayed with Toadette’s this time. “I’m angrier with everyone else for making me feel this way, for making _you_ feel like you had to do that.”

_Phew…_

“But it wasn’t just that,” Goombella added, and once again, Toadette felt her blood turn as cold as a Snow Pokey. “You kissed me and confessed to me in front of a ton of people.”

 _Does she really not feel the same way?! Was I misreading everything again? Oh no…_ Toadette had to fight her old instincts of running away crying like she used to do when she was younger.

“I’m really sorry, I just, I don’t know, I was excited and I remembered you saying before how you like a girl who takes what she wants and I took it too far and…”

“Hey, hey, girl, it’s okay!” Goombella said, eyes wide with surprise. She must have never seen Toadette turn into a crying mess, right? It was a trait Toadette tried to hide now that she was older. She didn’t ever want to seem like those panic-filled Toads, even if she was one.

“I’m—I’m really sorry, still.”

“Well!” Goombella’s lips formed a confused line. “I’m glad you are, I guess. I totally forgot I even said anything like, ‘I like a girl who takes what she wants.’ You really do listen to me, don’t you?”

Toadette nodded.

“But, still, I don’t think I was ready for that.” Goombella couldn’t help but return to the fake window and its moving fantasy. “You really put me in an awkward position and, again, it felt like something I had no control over, y’know?”

“I know. Sorry.”

Goombella’s face flushed bright red. “Er. Um. That isn’t to say that I hated it or anything, y’know?”

Toadette nearly slammed her hands on the table. “Really?!”

“I just, um, think maybe, er, again, if you had asked my permission and maybe in private… I’d, um, I’d…” She inhaled, having trouble breathing. “I’d tell you I feel the same way about you.”

_I was right! I was right! Oh, I’m so stupid, but at least I was right! I hope I didn’t ruin it…_

“And, er…” Goombella gulped. She tried to make eye contact but reverted to that quick cactus whenever it came by. “Don’t get me wrong, okay? I know that I’ve been leading you on a bit. I know I haven’t been perfect either. I, er, I kept ‘pretending’ we were on a date for some reason and making a joke out of it.”

Toadette’s chest didn’t feel as heavy as before. She was still scared, but Goombella was here and she was certain as long as she tried her best, Goombella wouldn’t leave.

“It was a little frustrating, I admit.”

“I know, I know!” Goombella groaned. “I know there were other times you’ve tried to tell me how you feel, I realize that now. I’d either stop you or shrug it off like a joke because I was, I don’t know, I was afraid? Honestly, I’m not sure what I was afraid of, but I guess I just figured there was no way you really loved me. Like, c’mon, who’d love me, y’know?”

“Goombella…”

“I _know_! I know.” Goombella sighed again. “It was easier on myself to pretend it wasn’t real, I guess. But I’m, y’know, realizing that wasn’t fair to you. Or myself.”

“I’m still sorry for doing all that in front of everyone.”

“It’s okay. Just ask beforehand. And, um, from now on I promise to really listen to you. I won’t make you feel like you have to make some grand gesture to get through my hard head. So, like, yeah. I’m sorry, too.”

The honesty felt so refreshing. Toadette felt like she drank a gallon of Honey Syrup! “I promise. I might do something wrong again, but I promise to try to do better.”

Goombella smiled. “Yeah, that’s okay! I’ll probably mess up again, too. I promise to try and do better, too, y’know?”

Toadette was _so_ excited. She hadn’t felt this way in so long. “So, does that mean we’re…?”

“Girlfriends?” Goombella said with a grin. “Yep, I guess so! I agree to the terms and services!” They giggled together at her weird joke. “But, like, speaking of, I _did_ have something I want to give you. I think maybe I wanted to tell you my feelings with this, but, well, you already did that…”

“Sorry,” Toadette said, but she couldn’t help but keep smiling.

“No, no, it’s okay.” Goombella rustled through a tiny bag that appeared at her side. Toadette always wondered how Goombella pulled things like this out (books, cellphones, etc), but knew better than to ask. “I honestly probably would have still chickened out and pretended it was a friendship gift rather than a symbol of how much I lo-like…lo…” She sputtered as if she was trying to reboot her tongue and get it working. “I got you this gift to show you how much I love you.”

Goombella placed a little box on the table with her mouth. It was wrapped in a ribbon patterned with pink mushroom polka-dots.

“Is that for me?” Toadette asked, frozen in place with pure bliss.

“No, it’s for the Hisstocrat.” Goombella rolled her eyes and laughed. “Of course it’s for you, you weirdo! Go on, open it, girl!”

 _But it’s so perfect, already!_ Toadette carefully unfurled the ribbon, making sure not to tear or scuff anything up. She held the little item delicately in her hand, noting how cool and smooth it felt, just like Goombella.

“It’s a badge! I got it custom made from Rowf’s shop,” Goombella said proudly. “It gives +5 Flower Points when you wear it. I know how tired you get, so I figured it’s perfect for you.”

Toadette simply stared in awe at its shiny brown surface. “It’s a chestnut…!”

Goombella’s fang shone. “Yep.”

Toadette held the little round badge next to Goombella. “It looks just like you…!” _Just without the face and the hair and all that._

“Yep! A little tacky, I know, but whatever. I’ve heard people say Goombas look like chestnuts, so I thought it’d be a kinda subtle way to show I’ll always be with you. You’ll probably be the only one who gets it, but that’s sorta how I want it, y’know?”

“I love it so much! I’ll wear it always!” Toadette quickly pinned it to her vest and already she felt excited tingling in her fingers, in her chest. Was that the Flower Points or was she just so happy?

“You don’t have to wear it right away, sheesh!” Goombella laughed.

“But I want to!” Toadette said. “I didn’t know you were getting me a gift or else I would have gotten you one, too!”

“It’s okay, don’t worry about it. You’re always there to support me. That’s good enough.”

“Oh!” Toadette, again, nearly slammed her hands on the table. “Now that we’re girlfriends, I’m going to take you on _so_ many dates and give you _so_ much stuff! You have no idea!”

“You don’t gotta do that.”

“But I _want_ to!”

“Ahaha, fair enough! Girl, you’re super cute when you get all spunky like this!”

“Same to you!”

Goombella and Toadette finished their meal together, chatting and bantering with each other happily the whole way. They made sure to share a Mushroom Ice Cream plate with a side of Chocolate Mushroom Cake. It was good, despite the mushrooms, but really, they were just happy to share something sweet with each other.

When their dinner was over, they promised to do something like this again, and the moment that they waved goodbye to each other to head home, you could bet your best badge that they were at their phones sending each other funny messages and goofy gossip the second they were apart.

Good guys, bad guys, murders, or just regular old dates, it didn’t matter what this awful world threw at them. As long as they were together, they’d do just fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don’t worry about Mrs. Hisstocrat. She’s just going to marry one of the lesser snakes and get a new hubby.
> 
> The Hisstocrats are a boss from Mario 3D World. They don’t speak, don’t have any personality to speak of, and they’re not referred to as Mr. or Mrs. canonically. I just liked their theme and thought they were funny. 
> 
> Mrs. Hisstocrat being a circus performer and architect is a reference to their battle stage being in a circus. Her being the “stronger one” is a reference to the second time you fight Hisstocrat and it’s a pink snake with more attacks. The third time you fight them they DO have the same powers together, but it was a lot more fun to make Mrs. Hisstocrat the stronger one.
> 
> Triss is simply the Waitress from the Excess Express in Thousand Year Door. She didn’t have a name, so I gave her one that I thought was fitting for Paper Mario.
> 
> Ted. N. Toad is the Toad guard from Mario RPG that lets Croco get away, claiming he would have stopped Croco but he left his Bazooka at home. I named him T.N.T. in reference to his bazooka line.
> 
> Dia the Bob-omb is just a classy rich Bob-omb lady I made up for a bit of fun expanded lore. Her name is a pun on diamond, like Sylvia and Goldbob are puns on silver and gold.
> 
> The Koopa Bros. talk about Bowser only caring about Jr. that beat them. This is a reference to them being beaten by Jr. Troopa in Paper Mario 64. I’ve also made it so that Jr. Troopa grew up to be Bowser Jr. but I’ve only written about this on some posts on Twitter.
> 
> Toadette saying she worked in construction, being better at running and jumping, and her line, "DON'T MESS WITH ME RIGHT NOW!" are references to her being a main and playable character in Mario Maker 2, where she was a chief of construction. The line is a (maybe) direct quote.
> 
> Thank you for reading! I truly appreciate kudos and sweet comments!
> 
> [If you're 18+ you can find me on Twitter! ](https://twitter.com/Taco_Night_) I occasionally take requests.


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